Four hours

20 minutes: a dull throbbing 

30 minutes: a slight yet sharp pain

45 minutes: a strong mean pain

1 hour: a hateful and intense swelling hurt

1 hour & 30 minutes: the tears roll down my cheeks as free as a bird and my mouth is a throbbing, sick animal

2 hours: my whimpering and crying and praying do nothing to stop the pain in my jaw 

2 hours & 45 minutes: I am crying and screaming (in my head) and begging for either relief or death to come and save me. I am standing and holding myself up with the wall and crying, hard. No one can help and nothing is happening. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain you have ever felt in your whole fucking life, how bad does it hurt? 10. I assume this is as close to the feeling of childbirth or breaking my shin as I will ever get at the point in my life. 

3 hours: I have come to the conclusion that I will soon die. My level of pain seems to be incompatible with life. Now, only to lay on the floor and await my fate. 

3 hours & 30 minutes: I have just stopped crying and whimpering long enough to eat a small bowl of food so I will be able to take my god-sent medication. It takes around 25-30 minutes to work. The pain in my face has subsided on its own. Now it is only a dull, throbbing pain. Looks like its leaving the same way it came in. Don't let the door hit you on the way out you son of a bitch!

4 hours: I found myself laying in bed, thankful that relief, and not Gentleman Death, is on it's way.  My face is puffy and red from two and a half hours of crying. I neck is stiff and painful from being moved and twisted in odd ways to somehow help the now non-deadly pain in my mouth.  My eyes are bloodshot and raw, and my mind is a mess. It is now 4:40 in the morning and I must wake up at 8:40 to take my medication so I don't have to repeat this little break down again. I must sleep, my botched root canal can't wait much longer. God damn me for trying to die on the week end! Damn dentist for fucking it up in the first place. 

Dear blog, 

You kept me from ripping my face off for the last half hour. Thank you. Goodnight. 

Dancing in the stars

On our walk our legs got tried 

We stopped in the cool grass to rest and talk

We felt the dew on our toes

We felt the breeze in our hair

We felt the night humming to us

We stopped talking and the night fell over us

We turned our faces to the sky 

And were blessed to see the stars

Too bright to be real

Too close to be fake

Too near not to be touched 

They called to us in their high clear voices

They told us to stay

They hold us with their words

We fell into the sky

We danced with the constellations

They were new, not in the space books

They were people and places and faces

They sang to us a beautiful and sad song

Everywhere we turn and looked

They were with us

Nothing we did went unseen by them

They were there only for tonight

They were love

They were fear

They were life

They were death

We laughed and cried at the beauty of these new stars 

We had never seen these before

The ones in the sky every night before were not the same

We felt drunk and high 

Off what? We did not know

They told us to remember

They told us to sleep

They told us to go home and remember what we've seen

We'll never see theses stars again

But we will never forget

Love at first sight.

I watched the sweat shimmer on your collarbones as I listened to you tell me about your day. The street light just outside the window cast you in shadowy contrast. I watched you talk to me while you lay on your back, the gray sheet coming up only to your hips. You would talk, turn to look into my eyes, turn back and start talking again. You looked beautiful that night, not unlike most every night. But, to me, you looked more beautiful than ever just the way you were then. On your back, your hands under your head, looking at the ceiling. The light from outside hitting your left eye just right, so it looked like it was glowing. The inner animal, I remember thinking. For the life of me I couldn't remember what you were talking about. Work maybe? I only remember the burning and bubbling feeling in my guts. The longing and lonely feeling that I got when I thought about leaving you. I wanted nothing more than to lay in your arms and be held. I moved close to you. I remember I left a warm spot on the wall from my leaning on it. You put your right hand on my cheek and gave me a soft, fast kiss. "I love you" 

I don't remember much after that. I remember falling asleep on your bare chest, my cheek sticking to our mingled sweat that we had let dry on us. I remember you kissing my head and saying something I couldn't  really make out. I remember thinking that you must have said something beautiful and tragtic. But I didn't ask. 

I remember loving you completely. 

But you know what they say about love at first sight. 

You can't run from it. 

The window

It is always when I am riding in the car. With my arm hanging out the wide open front window, that I realize, the world can be calm. That the world is calm at that very moment. 

It is always when my arm is hanging out of the car window, the cold air running over my bear skin cooling not only my fingers, but my mind. 

It is always when the insects hit my hand and arm that I realize everything will be okay.

It is always when I feel the pressure of the air hold my hand, and when I feel the pressure and the cool and remember that it feels just like dipping your hand in deep water. And watching the ripples play on the surface....

It is always when I am in the car with the window open, my arm out, my hair down, that I feel the calm in the world wash over me. 

It is alway then that I wish I had.....

Wish I had...

I had...

I...